The Physical Heart

RECIPE FOR BLACK BEANS AND TEST

2011-01-07T13:23:00.006-05:00

If the weather permits, this weekend I'm supposed to be going to a get-together. These are the true tests of willpower. With so much food around, it is hard not to eat without thinking. And what do they have at all these get-togethers? Of course, all the bad, i.e. good, stuff! Foods in the form of fat and sugar of course! *sigh* I just know I'm going for it. And I can't because I still haven't met my weight goal for this week so it's not like I can cheat. Maybe that will keep me honest.

On the upside I've had no soda since Saturday. That's a plus.
I've had no chips since then either. That's a plus.
And no cakes or cookies too. That's a plus.

Went to the supermarket and didn't buy any of that stuff. Unfortunately, the way we roll here is if it's in the home, then it's game. I also made a batch of black beans from scratch and they came out delish and I've been measuring my meals. But still no weight loss. What's up with that?! I'm sticking to my five small meals but you know what, come to think of it, what I have not been doing and what I read is a good tool in losing weight is drinking water. If you drink two glasses of water before each meal and snack you're guaranteed to not eat so much, hence, weight loss. I need to get on that pronto.

Here's the recipe for the Cuban Black Beans for anyone who's interested. It's so simple to make and so much more healthier. Trying to eliminate any can foods will help in your weight loss because of the sodium required to keep these foods palatable and safe to eat. And we all know sodium = salt = weight gain. Personally, I try to stay away from as much processed/canned foods as possible.

Ingredients:
1 lb. dried black beans
1 large onion, chopped
1 green pepper, chopped
1 red pepper, chopped
1/4 cup olive oil
5 cups water
1 (6 oz) can of tomato paste
1 TBSP of vinegar
2 TSP salt
1 TSP sugar
1 TSP black pepper
6 large cloves garlic

Soak beans in a large pot of water overnight.

When ready to cook following day, chop onion, green and red peppers and garlic into small pieces. Add olive oil to pan and saute chopped ingredients until tender.

Meanwhile rinse beans and add the 5 cups of water and put to boil. Discard any beans that float to the top. Add the rest of the ingredients, including the above ones once tender and bring to a boil.

Cover, reduce heat and simmer for about an hour and a half or until beans are tender.

Sayonara my bananas and remember as close to nature is always best!

2011-01-04T12:00:00.005-05:00

Weigh-in today: 168.4

I've had no soda for two days. Back to drinking water and may I say it is delish. The elimination of drinking soda along has stabilized my sugars because I am not waking up hungry in the mornings.

The soda, chips, pastries, cakes and cookies (not the usual fare in the home but the holidays were here and well...) have all been used up and will not be replenished. If I don't have it in the house, I won't eat it.

The last package of my microwave popcorn is in the cabinet and I may invest in a popcorn popper so I don't have to microwave anymore and could just make it natural. Anyone have a good idea what to drink with popcorn if not soda? My pleasure was diet coke and popcorn but now that I'm no longer drinking it, what do I do substitute it with? Hmmm? I may have to give up the popcorn because this is hard. I like the fizz. Maybe seltzer but that just doesn't do it, does it? I like the sweet taste of the diet soda. I may just leave that pleasure for when I go to the movies.

Went to a workshop yesterday on health and they talked about maintaining one's ph balance in the body and came to learn that much of the foods I eat (dairy, processed foods and grains) tends to be acidic and so these foods imbalances one's ph balance in the body. I was surprised by the grains category. The new food pyramid submitted by Eat Right America consists of minimum of 4 servings of vegetables a day, 3-5 servings of fruit, 1-3 servings of nuts/seeds, 1-3 servings of beans, and 1-3 servings of whole grains/starchy vegetables with the limited consumption of fish, eggs, non-fat dairy, poultry, meat, white bread, pasta, full-fat dairy, processed meats, processed foods and sweets. This sounds more like a vegetarian diet if you ask me.

I will certainly begin to incorporate more vegetables into the diet and that's not a problem since I love vegetables; fruits will take work; nuts and seeds I can do but I'm trying to lose the weight, not gain it!; beans, of course, from scratch. I make two batches each weekend and freeze them, and; my whole grains, which I love, I will certainly not give up.

I understand that anything processed is not good and we should eat as much to natural as possible and that will be my goal. I am not big on and don't buy much processed food to begin with but there are foods, like cereal, that I can't find my way around to giving up.

My challenge will be the creative ways in which to make lunch and eliminate the cold cuts altogether since the nitrates in cold cuts have been linked to stomach cancer and other degenerative diseases and also the raising of bad cholesterol.

And so on the fourth day of the new year, I'm learning, I'm trying, I'm doing...

2011-01-02T16:57:00.002-05:00

Wow. It's been a while since I've been here. I started this blog for one reason only and that was to document my day-to-day to see if I could succeed in finally turning my life around. This blog would hold me accountable.

Well, let's see if this time I can stick to it. I am a reactive hypoglycemic. What that means is that I cannot afford the luxury of missing a meal or eating what I want. I generally do not miss a meal (even though so many times I want to!), but many times I eat what I'm not supposed to. My addiction to sugar is proving harder to overcome than anything else.

The blog is called The Physical Heart because it is the heart that I am most concerned about and need to take care of the most. I have a rare heart condition that warrants I maintain a certain weight for it to work properly and not lead me to an emergency room some years down the road. I just had my cardiology appointment this past week and my current weight is 170. The cardiologist would like me to be at 150 though he said that the weight I really should be at because of the heart condition is 130. I am 5 foot 5 and a half. At 150 I look thin. At 130 I think I may look too gaunt but who am I to argue. He is giving me three months to lose 20 pounds. I am going to go for the whole banana and lose the 40.

I know this doesn't sound like much to many of you but when you're coming from a place of a high-risk health problem, 40 lbs., even 20 lbs. is big. So....

I am 52 years old. The years are creeping up and with it the usual amalgam of health-related problems that comes with aging. Do I want to find myself under the operating knife anytime soon? No. Do I want to gradually decrease my quality of life because of my addiction to food? Of course not. But I'll be honest, sometimes that piece of milk chocolate or glass of soda with chips tastes so divine. And that's how it all starts. I had lost the 20 lbs. last year, but then layoffs happened at work and the stress of the job multiplied. I would come home exhausted and have no desire to cook. So I would pick up fast food on the way home and that was dinner. The stress of the job sometimes led me to munch on chips and soda or chocolate in mid-afternoon as a little pick-me up. Little by little the pounds crept back up again and again I find myself in the same boat.

I cannot afford this kind of lifestyle anymore. I cannot afford the negligence to health. I am an intelligent woman and know what I have to do, yet.....

Yet we try again because that is what we do. We keep trying until it becomes habit and I hope in 2011 it will finally be habit. I will find my way there by way of reading and learning and visiting other blogs and reading of the experiences and failures of others in the same situation so in that I learn. So that I will finally learn.

This is the year of finally getting it together. This is the year where I will begin to deconstruct what is going on upstairs that is preventing me from doing what I need to do. I will learn. I will lose. And I will keep it off....

How Do We Change Our Ways?

2009-02-01T08:02:00.000-05:00

I started this blog last year for two reasons: to keep some sort of "visual" log of foods eaten and how those foods played into my hypoglycemic state and to pass any useful information that came my way to others. I've failed at both. Not surprising because sugar, the drug/toxin to which I am most addicted to, is still very much part of my diet. How do I reverse a lifetime of eating sweets and having the body crave it into a healthy body that feels and functions well without it?

I am an intelligent person. It is not that I don't understand what a bad diet will do to me. I started the new year with one sole resolution: eat better/eat only what you are supposed to eat. Well, that resolution evaporated in the air around the third day or so.

I'm not going to go on and on about this but I ask: why do we do continue to do those very things that harm us in the end? And, more importantly, have you, in your personal quest, found a way to resolve this? What was the AHA moment for you when you said enough was enough and finally changed your ways.

I'd like your thoughts...your morsels of wisdom.

The Harmful Effects of Sugar

2008-07-16T13:38:00.000-04:00

I’ve been reading much lately on the effects that sugar has on the body. I am a reactive hypoglycemic who’s been diagnosed as pre-diabetic (diabetes runs in my family) and so this is an area that is of great interest to me.

I grew up in a household where treats and anything containing the addictive taste of sugar was always at hand. I spent my childhood eating plenty of sweet-laden treats with no discipline on how much was enough; I spent my 20s surviving on coffee and sweets as a substitute for healthy food; I spent my 30s still doing some of the same, though by then, the accumulative effects of sugar were beginning to take a toll. I felt jittery and tired on most occasions.

Then the 40s came around and the body sent a dire signal: stop the consumption of sugar or pay for it dearly. When I started getting daily dizzy spells and feeling such an overall horrible sense of malaise I went to visit an endocrinologist who diagnosed me as a reactive hypoglycemic. So, I spent the better part of my 40s knowing that I now had a condition that I had to heed and take care of, yet all the while having an extremely difficult time letting go of that sweet craving. Sugar, like alcohol, is extremely addictive and the person who suffers from its addiction sometimes has a very hard time letting go, despite the health risk involved.

Then recently I began getting more involved in the business of health. The time finally came where I could no longer live ostrich-like and not face the possibility that a road to deteriorating health would soon await me if changes, drastic changes, were not implemented immediately. One of my key concerns was sugar because of the hypoglycemia and because of the way that I felt on most days – which I knew was related to diet.

So I became more conscious of the amount of sugar I consumed daily. I began reading labels and was mostly interested in the hidden sugars one gets through processed foods, any of those hidden ose/itol forms – fructose, dextrose, glucose, lactose, maltose, mannitol, sorbitol, sucrose, and xylitol . It was daunting. Every single processed food had hidden sugars. Unless one is a vegan or follows a macrobiotic diet, then this would be very easy - vegetables, fruits, beans, lentils (and not those in cans), and no processed anything. Okay, processed foods pretty much covers 80% of the supermarket – now what? And, now what is where I am.

I would love to follow a vegan lifestyle; oh, how I wish I could. Yet, every time I have tried I get extremely lethargic and weak from lack of sufficient protein. My body, because of the hypoglycemia, does not function well, unless I have sufficient amount of protein and fat with each meal. So, I have to look for the specific proteins – animal, nuts and cheese – that serves as my dietary guide. I have begun incorporating more vegetables into my meals, have eliminated sodas, have cut down considerably on sweets, and use protein to fill 1/3 of my plate, instead of the past usual half. I eat organic as much as I can.

But at the supermarket reading labels has been daunting. Yet, I know that once I get the hang of it, it will have been hours and frustrations well worth spent.

I recently began reading anything and everything that deals with health and nutrition. And I have found that sugar, that tasty substance that we are all addicted to, is so very, very bad for so many, many reasons. Below are 27 reasons why:

1. Sugar suppresses your immune system. Yes it does, folks.
2. Sugar increases adrenaline, causes hyperactivity and anxiety.
3. Sugar raises your total cholesterol, triglycerides and bad cholesterol and decreases your good cholesterol.
4. Sugar feeds cancer cells. You read it right. It feeds cancer cells and has been connected with the development of breast, ovary, prostate, rectum, pancreas, lung, gallbladder, and stomach cancers.
5. Sugar can cause reactive hypoglycemia. Well, I know this first hand.
6. Sugar can eventually lead to diabetes and damage your pancreas.
7. Sugar can cause indigestion, increase your risk of Crohn's disease, and ulcerative colitis.
8. Sugar promotes yeast infections.
9. Sugar can promote tooth decay and periodontal disease.
10. Sugar can also contribute to osteoporosis.
11. Sugar can lower your Vitamin E levels
12. Sugar can increase your systolic blood pressure.
13. Sugar can interfere with the absorption of protein.
14. Sugar can cause toxemia during pregnancy. I did not know this.
15. Sugar can cause atherosclerosis and cardiovascular disease.
16. Sugar can increase your body's fluid retention and increase your risk of gout.
17. Sugar can make your tendons more brittle.
18. Sugar can cause headaches and migraines; it can cause depression.
19. Sugar can increase your risk of Alzheimer's disease.
20. Sugar can imbalance your hormones and increase estrogen in men and worsen premenstrual syndrome in women.
21. Sugar can lead to dizziness. Oh, yeah, I know this for a fact.
22. Sugar can be intoxicating, similar to alcohol.
23. A decrease in sugar intake can increase emotional stability.
24. Sugar can worsen the symptoms of children with ADHD. Parents, listen up.
25. Sugar can slow down the ability of your adrenal glands to function properly.
26. High sugar intake can cause epileptic seizures.
27. Sugar can cause gum disease.

If you would like a complete listing of the harmful effects of sugar, click here. That being noted, I have been trying very diligently to decrease the amount of sugar I consume daily. And two things I have noticed immediately. The less sugar I eat, the fewer cravings for it I have. And, after staying off foods for a couple of days that have any ose substance in it, once I eat that food again, I notice how exceedingly sweet it really is! Our taste buds have become so desensitized to the taste of sugar that the more we consume it, the less sugary it tastes to us. And that is a scary, scary thing.

Is Our Food Killing Us?

2008-07-07T12:36:00.000-04:00

Last week while I was browsing through Borders in search of a book that I had in mind and never did find, I came across Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food, An Eater's Manifesto. I had read a brief article about the book recently and had it in the back of my mind to look into it. I scanned a few pages, it piqued my interest, I paid for it and walked out.

The book begins with these three extremely small, yet powerful sentences: "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." That's all I read, that's all I needed to read. I wanted to see what he had to say.

In his Introductory chapter, he starts by giving us some bare essential facts:

"...eating a little meat isn't going to kill you, though it might be better approached as a side dish than as a main."

I consider this a nugget of wisdom. Since reading this, I have incorporated this approach. The recommended serving size of meat should be 3 ounces or the size of a deck of cards. However, I rarely ate 3 ounces, going over the recommended allowance. I do not eat much red meat, but I do, however, eat much chicken. All of my life I've regarded meat as the foremost and essential portion of my daily nutritional needs. This was the way I was raised. But, unfortunately, today we are no longer living in the age of our parents where the meats that landed on their plates were not injected with the hormones and antibiotics they are today because of the mass production that exists. We can no longer be cavalier about the foods we eat because wholesome foods and wholesome raising of animals is no longer the norm. Today, we are more knowledgeable than a generation ago about the harmful effects of consuming too much meat, including how its fat content makes its way into our arteries in time producing heart-related problems. However, a shift is happening and Americans are once again taking their health into their own hands and questioning the conditions in which the food on their plates have come from, how much meat they wish to consume, if any, and the nutritional value of the abundance of empty calories (an oxymoron for sure) that proliferates supermarkets.

"Four of the top 10 causes of death today are chronic diseases with well-established links to diet: coronary heart disease, diabetes, stroke, and cancer."

This should not come as a shock. Americans like to do everything large. I rarely find a restaurant where I finish my entire meal. And the accruing years of too much food - too much sugar, salt, fat, processed foods, starches and meat - is not healthy. Moderation is not a word we heed often. And so it goes without saying that if we glutton our way through life, we will inevitably pay a price.

"...chronic diseases that now kill most of us can be traced directly to the industrialization of our food: the rise of highly processed foods and refined grains; the use of chemicals to raise plants and animals...the superabundance of cheap calories of sugar an fat...and the narrowing of the biological diversity of the human diet to a tiny handful of staple crops, notably wheat, corn and soy. These changes have given us the Western diet...lots of processed food and meat, lots of added fat and sugar, lots of everything - except vegetables, fruits and whole grains ...wherever in the world people gave up their traditional way of eating and adopted a Western diet, there soon followed a predictable series of Western diseases, including obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, and cancer."

There you have it, black and white, which shuts the door to those who might want to argue different. All you have to do is rent Super Size Me, a documentary with director/writer, Morgan Spurlock, who decided to sustain himself on a MacDonald's diet for one month. One month of breakfast, lunch and dinner at McDonald's. Before embarking "he consulted three doctors - a cardiologist, a gastroenterologist, and a general practitioner, all of whom said this experiment obviously wouldn't be GOOD for him, but that the damages would be minimal. Instead, the results were pretty shocking. Spurlock gained almost 30 pounds (over 10 in the first week), saw his cholesterol skyrocket, and experienced frequent nausea, chest pains, mood swings and loss of sex drive." The film is a learning experience into the world of those who frequent fast food and its correlation into the deterioration of your health.

So given that what you eat can healthily sustain you or cause you illness, what changes will you begin making today?

Reality Check

2008-06-26T10:13:00.000-04:00

So I joined a gym last week. The reasons for it were many:

~ I have heart disease;
~ I've put on more weight than comfortable or prudent; and,
~ My muscles no longer wanted to cooperate.

I got diagnosed with heart disease at 35. Initially, I cried. And then I became scared. Scared that I might die tomorrow. Although exercise was one of the recommended regiments that I had to follow, I did. Initially, I did. But every time my heart would start to beat fast and I’d begin to breathe heavy, I’d panic and stop. I was afraid of having a heart attack. Well, I continued to be afraid for many years. It did not matter that my own cardiologist said that this is what I needed to do and I could do it in the cardiac rehabilitation center where I was closely monitored. I was scared.

My life turned upside down and I began living life like I was on death's door instead of a still healthy 35 year old. I became overly concerned with how things might affect my heart and, basically, I stopped enjoying life. Yeah, I was a lot of fun to be around back then. Then, somewhere along the way I got tired of this. So, I did the next best thing: I continued with my life as if I had not been diagnosed. I didn't say I was smart.

So this is how I lived for many years. Then the 40’s came around and something new was added to the mix: reactive hypoglycemia. And, of course, the metabolism started slowing down and I began to incrementally put on the pounds. At first it was hardly noticeable because I had always been thin. Well, fast forward to present, I am now 30 lbs. overweight and feeling it. I never thought I’d gain weight; it was one of those things that I never expected to have to deal with, as genetically I am not predisposed.

So I joined a gym. Reality and common sense finally filtered in. I am at the cusp of 50 and feeling, for the first time since I got diagnosed, that I have some control over my life. I can no longer live ostrich-like. Time to get my head out of the ground and face the world.

Last week was my first week. I did some weight training and shockingly realized how very weak my muscles were – not only my core, but my legs and arms as well. That was a tremendous wake-up call. And we all know how important weight training is for the heart. I gasped for air and my muscles were trembling but I did it anyway. I have a lot of work to do. The trainer advices me not to become discouraged as she has seen many women stop because once their muscles begin to ache, they believe this to be a) too uncomfortable for them to deal with, or b) they become afraid. I inform her that neither is the case for me anymore; I’ve been there and done that already.

I also took a body sculpting class - cardio with light weights. It was a 45-minute class. Nearing the end, I dispensed with the 2 lb. weights (yes, a measly 2 lbs.) because my arms could no longer hold them. Pretty bad, huh? This tells me how much muscle I have to build up again. I was gasping for air (uncomfortable), sweating (felt good actually) and my face got beet red (but my face gets ruddy quickly anyway) by the end. The class kicked my ass and I did not give it 100%. Common sense tells me that I have to start slow, especially given the heart condition. And I did. And it still kicked my ass.

So I went to the gym three days. I was not happy because I wanted to do five, but on two days I could not move so I passed, giving my muscles time to repair.

The reality of the weakness of all of my muscles, especially the heart, has jolted my senses awake. I don't think I'll be visiting the la-la, such is life, let me sit and watch TV instead of exercising route again. Becoming 50 does that to you. You realize you no longer have youth and the privileges that come with it (like abusing your body without having to deal with real time consequences) on your side. Those consequences creep up on you years later. And at my age, it is a given that if I do not seriously get serious, I will find myself 10 years from now with a bucket full of health problems. As it is, my plate is already full. My goal now is to get my health back, retain control of my life again, and begin to feel good once again.

This is Week 2: I’m psyched.

And if you want to know where you stand in terms of knowledge about preventing heart disease, take the following quiz at Heart Prevention Quiz. I scored 8 out of 10. Not bad.

The Physical Heart

2008-06-17T16:11:00.000-04:00

Welcome to The Physical Heart - an on-line journal towards the road back to better health but mostly a place where articles relating to the tender loving care of our hearts will be posted. I hope in time this will become an interactive blog where comments can be left on the experiences you or a loved one has had with heart disease; what's worked or hasn't worked. A support group amongst ourselves where we can discuss our challenges and begin to learn of ourselves and of each other as persons living with heart disease.

For this initial post, I will give you a bit of background about my own personal experience. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with a rare heart disorder. The word normal suddenly became important in my life. A lifetime of limitations of not being able to do normal things that many my age could easily do without getting tired was no longer due to me being out of shape, but because my heart inabled me to do so. This diagnosis proved to be both a relief - because I thought I was going insane when no doctor believed that I indeed felt tired and it was not due to laziness or being out of shape - but at the same time I felt as if a death sentence had been handed down. Heart disease. Wow. I cried for days. I was so young and this was something one got late in life, or so I thought.

When the doctor gave me the news, I heard but refused to absorb the severity of it and went into denial. It was monumental and my mind could not grasp it. I was given the knowledge that explained the issues I had been complaining of all along, something I should have been grateful for, yet I became unhappy and angry and proceeded to live my life under false pretenses. For years I burned the candles at both ends placing undue physical demand on the heart that was neither necessary nor prudent. But then somewhere around my mid-40s the body started to reject my emotional and physical rejections. In addition, my sugar levels, (because I am a reactive hypoglycemic as well) were also running amok.

So at one of my annual visits I explained to my doctor that I was feeling unwell – I was lethargic, had gained 25 pounds for various reasons, was not sleeping well, and seemed to be depressive. I was constantly tired and short-winded. Of course, he told me what I already knew: that my current state was nothing more than pure negligence of my health on my part. But like someone with an addiction that does things that seem irrational to others, I did the same with my health.

He gave me six months to prepare for a stress test that I had been avoiding for years. I knew I would not do well simply because climbing a flight of stairs would leave me absolutely breathless, gasping for air. I went home scared with the promise that this time I would change my ways (not the first time) and proceeded to begin an exercise program. Of course, I began to feel better immediately as the endorphins kicked in and kicked out that depressive lethargic mood. In the beginning it was difficult, but each week became easier and easier until I was able to run one complete lap without stopping. This was tremendous progress for me. I looked forward to coming home each day from work and getting on that treadmill and seeing my daily progression. As a person who needs to visually see progress, I created a database that tracked the miles walked each day, the calories/fat calories burned, to what level I used the incline on the treadmill, and any comments I had – was it a good day where I sweated and felt strong or was it a bad day where I felt too weak to even walk a mile. And in my case, whether I am able to go the distance or not is defined and ruled by diet because of the hypoglycemia. And I faithfully stuck to my routine, noting down my progression each day and analyzing the areas where I went wrong. It turned out to be a great system for me.

When I finally took the stress test, the result was dishearting. I did all right. I did not do as well as both the doctor and I had expected. I could not go the distance because the heart simply would not allow. I was upset because I had worked so hard. But my doctor was supportive and informed me that this was good considering that it had just been six months and the deteriorated state in which I had begun. If I continued to exercise at least four days a week for 45 minutes, I would do better next time. The heart would become stronger as time went by.

Well, I didn't hear that. What I felt was the disappointment and validation that I, again, was not normal and could not get through a test that someone my age or older could do ten times better. I succumbed to that melancholia that often took hold and stopped exercising. Not the smartest thing to do but I just did not want to be reminded of the things that I could not do. I wanted normal again, however that defined itself to me, and completely cognizant yet shamefully negligent of the detriment that would ensue.

But a part of me knew I was doing wrong, confirmed by the fact that my husband and daughter would never let me forget it. Neither myself nor they could fathom what was wrong with me. I certainly didn’t have the answer. I’m intelligent and know what I have to do, yet I struggled to stay consistent and loyal to the diet and exercise program that I’m supposed to follow. And for me, these two things are not options; they are life-giving as much as food and water is.

And, last week, after having had too much ice cream that caused my sugars to plummet badly, I again asked the same question: what is wrong with me? I cannot eat anything sweet in the amount I eat it like others who are not hypoglycemic; I cannot push my body to physical or stressful exertion because it will take its toll. And I began to seriously analyze my behaviors and, through exploratory writing, finally the bulb went on: I refused to accept the knowledge that I am not normal. I wanted to be just like everyone else.

I digested this new, yet truthful piece of information. Then I asked, what is normal? There is no set definition for which one gauges it against. Everyone holds some sort of loss/challenge in their lives either in the physical or emotional realm. And what we tend to do when faced with a weakness is to compare ourselves against others who are healthier (whatever our definition of healthy is) and put focus on those very things that we lack, reaffirming our belief that we are weaker and thus feel less than. At least I did and still sometimes do. I am reminded of it each day when I find I cannot do certain things. Yet this should not be where I lay my focus. I need to remind myself we all hold different challenges. I know of many whose challenges are greater than mine and humble me into shame whenever I complain. And I know of others whose challenges are less of a struggle, but is their grass greener? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no. But that is not my concern. My not-so-strong heart, my fluctuating sugars, this is my challenge. No more comparisons. Instead, I will continue to focus on how to make my weaknesses stronger and continue to internally shift my sporadic negative thinking into positive thoughts. If anything, heart disease and hypoglycemia have taught me some important life-learning lessons: how to have patience, how to relax, and how to eat better. And, more importantly, it has taught me to intuitively know my body. Now, I just have to listen, that's all.

And so, finally acknowledging that I am just like everyone else facing a challenge, I joined a gym to regain back the physical health of my heart: that which has so loyally given life without giving much pain despite my bouts of negligence and ambivalence. I have wasted 15 years struggling against the tide of what I deemed normal. The grief and anger over a weakened heart prevented me from knowing the truth: that I could still have a fulfilling life, just like everyone else....and, like everyone else, if I am negligent with this life, then a price will be a paid in loss of health at the end....in that respect, I am normal....in that respect, I am held accountable for that loss of health just like the next person.

And I end this with this bit of thought: in this life where others live with such sorrow and pain, what right do I have to complain or be angry about? It shames me. It truly does.